My mom and I arrived four hours before the Cuco concert began so we could stand in the front. We waited in line for approximately 15 minutes before I knew I couldn’t stand there any longer. It was July 22nd, 2018 and this was the day I decided I was going to get an answer to all the questions I had about my father. It was a beautiful summer day; low humidity, and I was going to see my favorite artist live. However, I was disappointed in myself because my anxiety clouded what I hoped would be a perfect day. For years, I had suppressed my curiosity regarding my family’s secrets, but today everything would rise to the surface.
My upbringing isn’t your typical American white picket fence story. I grew up with my mom and grandma in a small New York City apartment, sharing a room with my mom for the past 18 years. My parents didn’t have a conventional relationship. They were together, but my dad didn’t live with us. He would see me a couple times a week, and then go back to New Jersey. I never asked why he didn’t live with us because I figured it was better not to know than to be hurt by the answer. As I grew older, I disliked spending time with him. Time with him would consist of him talking with my mom and ignoring anything I said. By 2018, I saw no point in spending time with someone who was hardly around and barely acknowledged my views.
This silence between my mom and I made me anxious, so I told her, “You need to tell me the truth because I can’t take this suspense.” My mom, feeling so ashamed she couldn’t look me in the eyes, finally told me the truth about my dad. “Your father isn’t around because he lives in Jersey with his wife and two kids. I kept seeing him because we were in love.” I walked away from her, feeling genuinely betrayed. How could they lie to me for so long, and think this was better than telling the truth? My mom kept telling me to say something because my silence was too painful to bear. I started to feel guilty for ignoring her. I turned around to look at my mom, and all I saw were tears streaming down her face. The concert had already started, but this was more important. As I walked towards her, she said, “I never told you because I didn’t want you to hate me. You have so much potential, and I don’t want you to ruin that because of my mistake.” I held her hand, and told her that I could never hate her. For the rest of the night sitting beneath fairy lights in Lincoln Center, I asked her everything I had always wondered about my family, and she answered honestly. We held each other, listening to Cuco sing “Lo Que Siento”, knowing that everything would be okay.This silence between my mom and I made me anxious, so I told her, “You need to tell me the truth because I can’t take this suspense.” My mom, feeling so ashamed she couldn’t look me in the eyes, finally told me the truth about my dad. “Your father isn’t around because he lives in Jersey with his wife and two kids. I kept seeing him because we were in love.” I walked away from her, feeling genuinely betrayed. How could they lie to me for so long, and think this was better than telling the truth? My mom kept telling me to say something because my silence was too painful to bear. I started to feel guilty for ignoring her. I turned around to look at my mom, and all I saw were tears streaming down her face. The concert had already started, but this was more important. As I walked towards her, she said, “I never told you because I didn’t want you to hate me. You have so much potential, and I don’t want you to ruin that because of my mistake.” I held her hand, and told her that I could never hate her. For the rest of the night sitting beneath fairy lights in Lincoln Center, I asked her everything I had always wondered about my family, and she answered honestly. We held each other, listening to Cuco sing “Lo Que Siento”, knowing that everything would be okay.
In July of 2019, I felt depressed and anxious again. I conducted some research and realized that I was suffering from the Anniversary Effect. Psychology Today states, “The Anniversary Effect is a set of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.” Despite how much I try to escape my past with my dad, it will always be a part of me. Instead of suppressing my feelings, I have spent the last year using them to my advantage. All the times I was ignored by my father have shaped me into the outspoken activist I am today. I work for several organizations that focus on elevating youth voices as an advocate for equity in education. Learning the truth made me realize that I can’t waste my time being silent because I have too many ideas that deserve to be put to action.In July of 2019, I felt depressed and anxious again. I conducted some research and realized that I was suffering from the Anniversary Effect. Psychology Today states, “The Anniversary Effect is a set of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.” Despite how much I try to escape my past with my dad, it will always be a part of me. Instead of suppressing my feelings, I have spent the last year using them to my advantage. All the times I was ignored by my father have shaped me into the outspoken activist I am today. I work for several organizations that focus on elevating youth voices as an advocate for equity in education. Learning the truth made me realize that I can’t waste my time being silent because I have too many ideas that deserve to be put to action.
Maybe you know about me, maybe you don’t Have you ever wondered about me? What I look like, How I’m doing? Standing in the back of this dark venue, Watching you perform I don’t know how to feel about you Knowing about you just hurts me even more It hurts me to see that you’re actually talented If you were a loser maybe I wouldn’t have this desire to meet you On stage, you’re rapping about all of the pain you have gone through Maybe we can find comfort in each other’s traumas. Lights reflect off of my eyes and all I can see is you You look so much like your dad I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing I can tell so badly that you want to be a musician I can tell that you hate your job just by how much passion you have on stage The concert ends and I’m left in the dark What do I do now? What’s the point of going up to you? How will you react? This isn’t good for my anxiety I’m just making things worse My palms, sweaty and shaky I go up to you to congratulate you on your performance In the back of my mind all I’m thinking is, Why are you lying? You’ve been erased for so long and it’s not fair to do this to yourself anymore. He deserves to know who you are Without even thinking I just blurt out I’m your sister.
My interests and goals have changed throughout my high school career. I have spent a majority of my high school career advocating for equity in education. Going to school in New York City, I have been subject to one of the most segregated school systems in the country. I have gone to a primarily white “elite” high school and I have witnessed first hand the lack of equality in education. I have made it my mission to advocate for students who do not receive the same resources and support that I have received. I have led campaigns and rallies that advocate that the education system in New York City change. This year, I have been able to change the admission policy in my school to make it open to kids all around the city. My advocacy has become a large part of my identity; without it I would not be the outspoken person I am today.
When I am not advocating, I am constantly listening to music and writing. For as long as I can remember, music has always played a major role in my life. I listen to music all day: on the train, while I’m studying, while I’m hanging out with my friends, basically any free time I have. Female musicians have played a major role in me wanting to be the owner of a recording company some day. I dream of discovering new artists and giving more opportunities to musicians who are never really recognized. The music industry has very few female executives, so by going into this industry, I will be able to create more space for women in the industry. Along with music, writing has also been one of my passions. In sophomore year, I took it upon myself to find a program that would help me become a more confident writer. That is when I found Girls Write Now. This program has truly changed my life. I have been mentored by a female playwright and she has become like a sister to me. I have met with her once a week for the past three years to improve my writing and create a long lasting friendship. Through my interests and extracurriculars, it is very evident that women have played an integral role in my life.
Going to an all women’s college will give me the confidence and knowledge I need to take with me to my future career prospects. I am looking forward to attending Mount Holyoke College because I believe it will be the perfect environment for me. I have grown up around empowered women my entire life, and I believe that by going to a school with other strong women, I will truly thrive. In college, I am looking for an environment where I am constantly learning. I am looking forward to exploring my specific interests more in depth and meeting amazing people along the way. By attending an all women’s college I am setting myself up for success in the future.